As the title implies, I’m having a time dealing with the ups and downs of our divorce. Not a really hard time, but a time nonetheless. Most days are good. Hell, ALL days are more positive that not. It’s just those moments, those brief damnable moments in the day when a memory, a thought, a daily task, anything goes through my mind to make me think of either Kristen or my current situation. Like I said, I’m dealing with it. I’m not really sure how though. I wish I could pinpoint it so that it could help others or, more selfishly, so that I could use it everyday so that the lows wouldn’t be so low. (For those of you looking for answers, the ONE thing that I have found helpful over this year… KEEP BUSY! Especially try new things and meet new friends. It helps a ton.)

If you have been following me either here, my old starter blog (No, I’m not giving that out. It was all emotional claptrap anyway.) or some of the various social sites I’ve opened up on, you know that I haven’t been angry with her like maybe I should have been. Lately, however, I have been resentful of her and the way she did things, the way she left things. I’m angry that she is with someone else (from the start) and I’m left alone to pick up the pieces and attempt to rebuild my life form less than scratch. Now I know that, statistically, that is how women do this, ie. have the next relationship in place before ending the one before. (Now don’t flame me for this. Trust me, over this past year I have been doing research into this in my quest for the “why”.) I’m finding myself spitefully hoping that she gets to feel the way she has made me feel, alone. I hate wishing ill on her. It’s not really the way I am. Maybe it’s a part of the healing process, I don’t know. I guess when I’m all healed, I’ll let you know. KEEP READING! I hear that takes a long time.

Now I know I’m not the only person to have this problem. Even the calm & cool people have this in them somewhere. So my question is: How does one detach? I’m a “heart on my sleeve” type of guy. How do I learn not to care? How do I separate what I think from how I feel? I gotta tell ya, if I don’t, it’s gonna make the rest of this life really long.

The problem I am having is I don’t know how to read things AT ALL! The way the media seems to portray things now that you get this instant spark. You fall madly and a kiss happens within the first hour. Obviously, I know that’s not how the real world works but it sure makes it hard to read how things are supposed to go. Especially since I’ve been out of the game for 11 years. I’m sure it’ll get easier. I hope it’ll get easier. I guess we’ll see. I’m at least gonna ask her out again. She does have gorgeous eyes afterall.

If you’re into the Ybor club scene in Tampa, FL you’ve no doubt run into the 6′6″ Dark Knight. Sure he’s no Bruce Wayne but 21 year old club kid Walsh Nichols is entitled to his anonymity. It was all in good fun and even made him some cash as some clubs paid him to come in. Hey a giant batman attracts attention. He is anonymous no more thanks to an old law and the Tampa P.D. or as I like to call them “The INjustice League”. Check it out the “news” story here.

I’m having a bit of a rough time coping this week. Feelings I thought long suppressed have risen again. Obviously I have been upset. How upset though? I was divorced on Monday and getting a date with a stranger on Tuesday. Gotta say, THAT was weird. To me anyway. Seems like I’ve been all over he place.

Is this the end?

I tend to think so. People keep pushing out all the platitudes… “It’s never going to be over as long as you’re both still alive there’s a chance.”, “You never know what the future will bring.” & other similar such drivel. I don’t know how much belief I have that though. I do know some people who have gotten back together after a divorce. I mean I DO love her. I know she knows. Before and during all the paperwork we talked and laughed and such. Before I headed to “my” table, I kissed her cheek and whispered, “I’ll always love you. Take care of yourself.” It was all I could do to keep composure. All she could do was look down. Maybe for the same reason. Of course, that’s all conjecture. Of course if it ever came around again, we’d probably “talk”.

The Beginning?

Maybe it’s time to pull myself up and enter another chapter. Like I said, now I’m trying to date other girls. I have gotten more than a few bites on my line. Weird timing, but damn good. Trying to put myself “out there” is some scary shit after being hurt the way I’ve been. It’s hard to get rolling but I’m figuring it out. We’ll have to see how life plays out now, huh? I’m not telling you what most of you don’t already know, I know. But it’s my blog. It’s called UltimateSteve not Ultimate(You), so deal with it.

Or Something Else Entirely?

Honestly, I just put this into the title because I thought it sounded good. While I was thinking about this, the thought “What else is there besides the beginning and the end?”. I decided that there’s a whole lotta middle. So, I’m gonna try to go out and explore “something else entirely”. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I know it’s hard in this friggin’ busy world in which we reside. So much crap! So Hectic! Stop the planet, I wanna get off! I guess my question to you is what do you do to find your peaceful place? Drop a comment and let me/us know. It can help someone else. This is always a better planet when you help someone else.

Well, it was bound to happen. I was kind of into this certain lady and I thought things were going in a good direction. Not really even dating but flirting a lot and escalating fairly well and then…. BOOM! She tells me about this guy that makes her feel like a school girl. At first I thought she meant me but then she kind of drifted away so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. Hehe. Now don’t get me wrong there are others that have blown me off and those I have as well but this was the first one since I started opening myself up again that has bothered me. Obviously, I’m not crushed. I have nothing left to crush. Not gonna open myself up that far ever again. (Thanks, Kristen!) I’m ok with that, though. However, I WAS hoping for this one. C’est la vie.

As far as on the relationship side of things, I am moving on. I wish I wasn’t. I still love Kristen though I’m not sure why and I KNOW she doesn’t deserve it. She has nmoved on. Hell, she did that before she even left. You know, with fucking another guy and all. Now I don’t have someone else. I have been dating and having fun but that’s all I want right now. She really fucked me up as far as trust goes. But I think it’s finally time for me to go and figure out my next moves. There are still some things, thoughts and feelings holding me back but I am tired of all this. I guess that’s how much I can take.

What about you? How much can you take? What does it take for you to make a change? Drop your stories and the comments or in an email. Let me know.

Do yourself a favor and pick up the phone. Ring some friends you really want to see and do it. You’ll be surprised at how good you feel afterwards.

If you’re reading this, Tommy, Darcie, Jeremy, Dan & Ashely (she’s kinda new), I love you all. Thanks for the great time.